a little yoga sesh in summer 2007 on the College of the Atlantic campus - my alma mater!
Who am I? Who are you?
“Clear your mind.”
“Release that tension.”
“Watch your thoughts pass through you like clouds.”
“Let go of the story of who you are.”
These are all things we might hear in a yoga class or a guided meditation. These are the ‘what’ of the practice, but sometimes we don’t exactly know the ‘how.’ Let’s explore some ways to do that, but first…
I haven’t posted here in a while because I just came back from a family vacation to Mount Desert Island, a place that holds so much of my personal history. I went to college there and also worked a few years in some cafes and restaurants there; I’ve made many friends there, started and ended relationships there, and became an adult since it was the first place I moved when I left my childhood home.
Every time I go back, I feel that history. It’s not a bad thing. Sometimes I am reminded of very powerful, inspired versions of myself that seem to have been dormant for some time. It reminds me of the potential that tinged my youth and what it’s like to feel my power.
But where does that power come from? It’s not always a power inspired by the sentiment “I can.” Much of the time, it is the power of attentiveness, of being really present in a place just because of the novelty of it. Imagine, an 18-year-old girl from the Monterey Bay in California moving to a small island off the coast of Maine. Let’s just say it was different from my hometown and it broke me out of my habitual self.
As a mother of small children, it’s sometimes tough to get into that mindset of novelty. The everyday tasks of caring for and cleaning up after kids can get tedious. It’s easy enough to say, “But just think of your children and how important you are to them! You’re raising people! What you do is the most important job in the world.” It’s hard, though, when I’m wiping up crumbs and spills for the umpteenth time in a day, that what I’m doing is profound or significant.
Maybe I sound like a jaded stay-at-home mom, but really, sometimes I’m just a tired mom. Other times I’m a mom that feels like she doesn’t have it all figured out (does anyone ever?? Give me their number, ha!). Then there are times that I’m a mom that wishes she could be as patient as her mother at the same time that there are things she wants to do that are different from how her mom did it.
I recently lost my mom to leukemia; before that, I was slowly losing her mentally and emotionally to dementia. Dementia is one of those things that makes you wonder, who are we really? There were times I spent with my mom when she was starting to decline and I thought, if she’s losing these capacities, she’s still herself, right? But then, who is she really? At the same time, I realized my daughter, between the ages of 3-5 years, didn’t remember many events from the first few years of her life, years that I hold dear because of the memories I have of her back then.
So who are we, apart from our memories? When you ask yourself this, it makes sense that a yoga or meditation teacher might say, ‘let go of the story of who you are.’ It’s not that that story has no value, though. It does. What is important here is how much we are immersed in that story, and whether we are able to lift ourselves above it to realize we are more than just the events of our stories and the everyday identities they shape.
a moment of balance on my family vacation last week at Balance Rock in Bar Harbor, Maine
Telling the story
There’s a place for telling our stories and celebrating them (or sometimes mourning losses in the story) and there’s a time for letting them go. Let’s do both!
The thing with stories is that they are wonderful combinations of information and emotion. That is what makes them so personal. It’s not just the list of things that create our everyday identities (our jobs, social roles, family roles, experiences, credentials, and more), but it’s the way that things have meaning to us because of the way we were affected by them. There is so much in yoga philosophy about being calm and peaceful no matter what the situation, but the reality is that we are human beings raising children and that means there will be lots of emotions in the mix.
It’s what we do with those emotions that matter.
So let’s give ourselves the special space and time to tell our stories. Who are we? Who were we before that? Who do we want to be? And maybe more importantly, how do we feel about all these versions of ourselves? Those alone can be journal prompts (or you can talk about it all with a friend if you really don’t enjoy the process of writing). This is yoga, too! It’s the yoga of getting to know yourself, also sometimes to referred to as svadhyaya. Here’s an earlier post of mine about svadhyaya. It includes some more specific journal prompts, too!
Here’s a quote from a little WIP of mine, a Yoga Mama Manual. It’s been in the works for a few years. In it, I mention several times how we can use writing as part of our yoga practices:
“One of the most powerful things about writing is looking back at something you wrote. There’s such a push in yoga classes to be present and to be here and now, which is all great. But, as a writer, I find it so revealing to look back at a past version of myself, and sometimes at an imagined future self that I'm shooting for. That sort of peek can be just as affirming of yourself in the present as a meditation can be.
I often hear of metaphors about how meditation can bring the mind and body to stillness so that, like the surface of a calm lake, they reflect the light of your true Self. And it’s true that we could all use more stillness and peace, but as Yoga Mamas we are often called to practice in the midst of chaos. For most of us, our minds are like a raging ocean in the middle of a storm, but no storm lasts forever and the calm that follows is often richer than if we had perfectly quiet, organized lives.
Until then, we either ‘brave the elements’ or seek shelter and that is how I view journaling: we dump our hearts and minds onto the page in a sort of word storm or we find refuge on that page where we can express what we feel.”
So take a moment to sit and feel what you need or want more: do you want to let your thoughts and feelings out like a storm of words (perhaps a stream-of-consciousness freewrite) or find refuge on that page in the same way you’d seek the comfort of a friend that listens well? This may seem like the same thing, but there’s a slight difference in the emotional hue, or perhaps it’s more of a difference in approach depending on your personality or style of communication.
Either way, on the surface it might seem like you’re spinning your wheels or just pouring your heart out. That’s great! That’s how we begin to let go, and it will make it so much easier to find a place of calm and stillness on your yoga mat.
Chakrasana, 2007. I was a little more bendy back then:)
Letting go of the story
Sometimes when we want to relax, we think of it as unplugging. I like to think of it as plugging into something different; maybe we disconnect from social media, our worries, our to-do lists, and everyday stresses so that we can connect to our center. But what is that center?
The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali is an ancient, often-quoted yoga text that gives us this nugget of wisdom:
Yogah Chitta Vritti Nirodaha (in Sanskrit)
The restraint of the modifications of the mind-stuff is yoga (in English, from Swami Satchidananda’s translation and commentary)
Yoga is the uniting of the consciousness in the heart (in English, from the translation and commentary by Nischala Joy Devi)
The two English translations show how we can approach the same thing in different ways. While number one might sound more austere, number two is softer and gives us something to do (focus on the heart), rather than something to not do (think). What does it mean to unite your consciousness in your heart? It’s finding that center that I mentioned above: the center of your being, who you are at your core. There is more than one way to do this, but for now I’ll suggest just a few possible approaches that are easy and effective for many. See if they work for you!
Heart rub: I learned this from Brea Johnson, creator of Heart and Bones Yoga. It’s simply bringing your hand to your heart area and gently rubbing it with love. ‘Move with love’ is her motto, and it's a lovely way to infuse our yoga practice with a nurturing intention, whether it is a gentle or more dynamic practice.
Bring your attention to your heart: if you’re a visual person, it can be really nice to just bring your attention to your heart area, whether your eyes are opened or closed. Just doing that can often help you sit up tall and expand your chest area (if you tend to slouch). Sometimes it can be nice to picture a flower blooming in your heart area to bring a more imaginative focus. Imagination can have a more powerful effect on your body that you might expect!
Do some cardio: go for a brisk walk, a run, or bike ride. Or maybe you prefer to dance, do aerobics, play capoeira, or swim. Sometimes even a more dynamic style of yoga, like vinyasa, or power yoga, can get your heart rate up. Whatever you do, getting your blood pumping can be a great way to get your attention out of your mind and into your body and heart as you feel and maybe hear it beating with a little more force.
Look at a photo that warms your heart: there’s a reason people love looking at photos of babies and cute cats. They are heartwarming! I know that when I get annoyed with my kids, a really good way to remember how much I love them is to look at some of my favorite photos of them, especially their baby pictures.
Then what?
So let’s say you were able to let go of your thoughts, worries, and tensions, even if just for a moment. Now what do we do in that state? If you’re a busy mama like me, the luxurious answer to that is: nothing! Do absolutely nothing. How wonderful, indulgent, and liberating it can be to do nothing.
But that doesn’t sound so enticing to everyone. For some people, doing nothing sounds desolate, boring, and pointless. By ‘doing nothing,’ I don’t exactly mean just let yourself drift with no focus or purpose. So allow me to reframe it for some of our more action-packed mamas: when you are able to let go of your story, your worries, thoughts, and stresses, do one thing with love. Just one thing, with all of your attention, affection, and awe.
I’ll leave you with that. I have some unpacking to do, and then I’ll post again with some of the upcoming offerings for the autumn here on Urban Yoga Mama!