The Art of Listening
Here is a little sketch of my idea of a Goddess of the Grump, to bring some light and levity to my inner grumpy mom:)
“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”
-Steve Jobs
Self-care is part of parenting
How many times have judged kids, either your own or someone else’s, about whether they are good or bad? How many parenting books and articles have you read about how to get kids to behave the way you want them to?
I’ve read a fair amount on the subject and always wished my husband would read at least one or two things on parenting. But around the time my daughter turned 2 years old, things became harder. She resisted my agenda for the day, refused to do simple everyday things like drink water or eat breakfast, and melted down about things that weren’t a big deal to adults. When you read parenting books, they usually say all these things are normal. Things mean so much to kids and what I began to see was that no matter how much I read about parenting, if my self-care wasn’t in order, none of what I read mattered. If tiredness, stress, and imbalance took over my body and mind, then I inevitably resorted to impatience, frustration, and that feeling of helplessness parents get when they feel like they’re not being the perfect parent.
In those times, I’m not listening to myself: to my need for downtime, for space for myself, or even for something simple like time to eat a meal slowly and quietly (lots of moms know the struggle to get basic needs met, especially the younger your kids are). Ignoring my needs raises my stress levels and also makes it hard for me to listen to my daughter. You might know that a tantrum, however ridiculous or inappropriate it might seem, is developmentally appropriate for a 2-year-old and often is an attempt to try to convey something nonverbally: tiredness, hunger, and overwhelming emotions make kids freak out and in these times, parenting can be a call to learn the art of listening. But knowing this doesn’t always make it easier.
The answer? Listening to our own needs so we can listen better to the messages our kids try to communicate, no matter how much they seem to be overreacting.
The ultimate self-care: knowing yourSelf
In yoga, we have the practice of svadhyaya, the practice of getting to know yourSelf (the capital S is there to remind us that this is what some call your true Self, your spirit, that part of you that bows and says namaste to all the other Selves out there). Knowing yourself is not so much about what kind of espresso drinks you like, what your hobbies are, what your vocation is, or what types of movies and books that uplift you. That kind of knowledge is just a bundle of small details about a sort of constructed self you show to the world. Svadhyaya is more about a feeling of being present to a Self that is already there within you, a sense of place in your family, the community, the world...even the universe. More than anything, it is a sense of who you are in your own skin and soul. Okay, maybe I’m getting too cosmic here, so let’s bring this back down to earth and nail down a tangible description of svadhyaya as it applies to yoga mamas.
Better yet, let me share with you how I practice svadhyaya and then we’ll see how you can form your own approach to it. It’s different for everyone. So, here goes: my practice of svadhyaya is deceptively simple. It consists of journaling, meditation, and noticing my body/mind/emotions while I practice yoga asanas on my yoga mat. Eventually, the highest practice of svadhyaya comes at random moments, off the yoga mat.
For instance, sometimes meditation for me is a slow walk around the block or even around my living room, and a yoga session on a chaotic day might be breathing and feeling my feet on the ground as I wash dishes. There are the formal practices that most think of as ‘yoga,’ the ones where we are on our yoga mats or meditation cushions, and then there’s another level to it, where I take those concrete practices and try to use the same quality of self-awareness and reflection in everyday situations in my life. Like when my daughter refuses to brush her teeth or when she freaks out because I turned off her show, and I have the presence of mind to take a deep breath and remember that she’s just a kid struggling to communicate with words.
That’s true listening and it brings us closer to our true Selves and our children’s true Selves (which are really two parts of the same thing:).
Moving from the story of yourself to experiencing your true Self
Okay, this all sounds great, but exactly how do we get to know ourSelves? On one level, we oscillate between being different kinds of mamas: grumpy, playful, serious, busy, bored, worried. But there is part of us that is there watching those various moods pass through, and that’s what meditation is for, to notice these various moods as just moods that are more transient than our true Selves.
Sometimes just sitting on the meditation cushion or striking a few poses on the yoga mat aren’t enough to give us a fair view of our true Selves. I like to take inventory through journaling. So much of yoga is about going inward, but now and then you have to let some things out to ‘clean house,’ mentally.
Here are some prompts (not at all a complete list) that can help you shine light on the fodder and dust off what’s blocking your light from shining through:
At this moment, what are the most frustrating aspects of your day?
What time of day do you feel most/least energetic?
What time of day do you feel most energetic, inspired, and motivated?
What gives you the most joy (this can be a thing, person, situation, or activity)?
What scares you the most?
When the shit hits the fan, what actions can you take to keep yourself centered?
What are your deepest, heartfelt beliefs? Are you spiritual or religious? And/or do you draw inspiration and guidance more from intellectual pursuits like science or literature?
What are your dreams for the future? What is your version of your best self?
Anything you write about the prompts above, or any other prompts you might generate on your own, are your personal story. Maybe you’ve heard yoga teachers guide their students in sitting quietly to ‘let go of your story.’ It’s a way of zooming into the present. No matter what we’ve done or what we aspire to do, there’s this moment and it is free of your story. Yes, you are a yoga mama; maybe you’re a working mama, a stay-at-home mama, a volunteer mama, or whatever label you use to define what you DO. But, the art of listening doesn’t ask us to drown out that story. No, we listen to it, then we rise just above it. We can still see it, and live out the story — our lives as moms — but we can sense there is more than the events that make up our life situations.
So here’s my proposal: before we even step onto a yoga mat or take a moment at the kitchen counter or nearby wall to strike a few yoga postures, let’s do some work on getting to know our own stories: who we are in the world, what drives us, what frustrates us, what we’ve accomplished, and what we aspire to. It’s sort of like listening to your child cry or throw a tantrum, and rather than telling them to shut up (which is essentially what many people mistakenly do to themselves when they try to ‘quiet the mind’ on the meditation cushion), you listen, notice how emotion moves through the body, then take a deep breath and release those thoughts and emotions from your body.
After telling our own story through journaling (or even through therapy or talking to someone you love, if writing isn’t your go-to), then it’s so much easier to be present to what we need in general and from moment to moment.
Using the senses to be present
Here’s one of my favorite ways to step into the present moment. It’s a technique I learned from the book Birthing From Within by Pam England and I got a lot of practice doing it as I prepared for my son’s birth. It’s called Non-focused Awareness or NFA. It is a way of using your senses to notice what’s going on in your surroundings. It’s as easy as this:
What sounds do you hear around you? What can you hear far in the distance? What about the sounds closer to you? And the sounds within you (in your body)?
What smells come to you at this moment? Maybe you have memories or situations you associate those smells with. Acknowledge that, then see if you can take in those smells without a backstory.
With your eyes open, notice what’s going on right in front of you. Have a soft focus and keep your face relaxed.
What parts of your body are in contact with the ground or chair or whatever you are resting on? Notice the texture and temperature of the surface you are in contact with. With each exhale, can you relax your weight into those points of contact?
Are there any lingering tastes in your mouth?
This can be done during a formal seated meditation, while walking, doing chores around the house, feeding the baby, watching kids play at the park, or in any situation where you’re not engaged in anything intellectual or analytical. Practice it first in a controlled, seated setting, or even reclined in a resting position. Then try it at random times of the day while you’re doing something.
Sometimes the main thing you come up with while doing this exercise is: I’m tired AF. Sometimes we get so amped up that we don’t let ourselves be tired, imperfect, and uncertain about what to do. The fact is, at some point in your time as a mom, you will be all of those things and the goal of a yoga mama practice is not to be always energized, perfect, and sure of yourself; the point, in my humble opinion, is to practice anyway. Know that you are human and you have one of the toughest jobs on earth: being a mom!
Our challenge is not to transcend the struggles of motherhood by escaping to a higher ‘spiritual’ plane, but getting down into the messy details of our lives and savoring the small things. Non-focused awareness is great for this, and all it takes is a moment of pause, or you can go deeper into it with a formal seated meditation. I love to use NFA after a brief journaling session with one of the prompts above.
True listening is tough, takes practice, and is sometimes boring! Sitting still and paying attention to your thoughts and emotions can be tedious and feel like a waste of time (not to mention how impossible this can actually be when you have a little on tugging on you all day). If you’re not a mindfulness junkie, though, write it out, talk it out with someone near and dear, or maybe even do what I do: when my daughter asks me to tell her a story, I improvise a tale and cast some of our emotional struggles into a kid-friendly version, with a dash of lightheartedness, a fun cast of characters, and maybe even a little song or jingle to make it memorable.
Most of all, greet yourself at the beginning of each day with an internal, “How ya doing?” And end the day with the same.
This post is an excerpt of my current WIP, Yoga Mama Manual. Follow my progress on this piece on my Instagram @urbanyogamama