Staying Present in Yoga Practice
Seventeen years ago, when I was going through therapy for anxiety and panic attacks, my therapist taught me something that seemed absurd but ended up saving me in some of my most difficult moments.
She taught me to wiggle my fingers and toes.
How the heck does that help a person cope with anxiety and panic? By helping me stay in the present. I won’t assume it works for everyone, but it happened to be a magic bullet for me. I was 25 years old at the time and some very rough things from my childhood surfaced in my memories. I remember, after I reached a point in therapy where I felt more stable and capable of navigating the anxiety, my therapist said, “What do you think of all this? It’s hard, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I kind of wish I felt more…invincible, like I used to feel.”
“Yes, but you’re still that person that felt invincible. Just with more depth.”
It would be cliche but true to say that I’ve never been the same since then. But, the truth is, we are all always changing. I’ve been thinking of this a lot since my perpetrator, the person who did the unspeakable to me and my sister, passed away last week. I felt weirdly neutral about it, maybe because I was able to go through therapy and processed so much of what she did to us. It even feels a little weird calling her a perpetrator, because at this point, I just see her as someone who must have been very tortured herself.
I’m bringing this to my yoga mama newsletter because for me, yoga has been so much about power: finding my own power, surrendering to Higher Power, and just being in awe of the powers in nature and the universe. In thinking of my past, and who that ‘invincible me’ was, I went down a rabbit hole of pictures and found some yoga photos from times when I felt very powerful, both as a person and in my practice.
I’m not saying that yoga will make you feel invincible. If you practice regularly, there will definitely be times when you feel vulnerable, tired, and weak. The whole point is not to avoid those feelings, but to acknowledge and pass through them, knowing that those hard moments are sometimes when you come face to face with your own personal power as well as Higher Power.
Even if it’s just the power to wiggle your toes and let that sensation fizzle out your anxiety and help you get grounded. Try it. Or go for a walk, or cry, or scream. Do a sun salutation. Whatever you do, just know that, with a little love and courage, you can touch that power even when you feel down or weak.
So, this is just an ode to my past and a gesture to the present moment. What little things can I do to stay present, knowing that I have been formed by all the past versions of myself? How can I be in ‘the now’ while appreciating all the tough things I’ve been through, and how they’ve pushed me to be stronger and braver?
How do you touch your personal power, stay present and grounded, and forgive (or at least be accepting of) people who have wronged you? I know, it’s a tall order, but the more you practice yoga, the more you open your heart to yourself and others. This post is for all of you who have suffered at the hands of someone else; it’s for people who have forgiven and those who haven’t; it’s for all of us who know we are more than our past selves.
Jai Ma!