From I CAN to I AM
Since my daughter was born, I’ve realized there are certain things I can’t do that I once used to be able to do, and that is sometimes discouraging, even depressing. When I started doing yoga at the age of 16, there were so many postures I could do. I had so much flexibility and I was building strength and stamina so quickly, that it was easy for me to stay motivated to practice because, in a way, I got sort of a power trip from practicing yoga.
Now as a mother at the age of 38, my conception of power has been challenged over and over throughout my adult life. It wasn’t just yoga that I had excelled at, but I was also a high-achieving student, involved in band, drama, and sports. I derived my sense of self and joy from accomplishment. I got used to being that person that was good at a lot of things.
Then at 25 I had an emotional breakdown. I was plunged into a world of anxiety and panic attacks. I had to quit my job and quickly wrap up my classwork at the community college I was attending. Every little thing became difficult. I mostly stayed home or rode my bike to burn off the anxiety. Through the love of friends and also some professional help, I broke through that fog. I wasn’t actually doing that much yoga, if you limit your idea of yoga to postures on a mat, but I was doing some really deep yoga and by that I mean I was finding and feeling my place in the world. And I was discovering my deepest self.
There’s been so much that has happened between now and then, including more moves than I bothered to count between states and even to Barcelona, Spain at one point. I kept chasing the next goal that I thought would make my situation better. I prided myself on how easily I could pick up and go, and also on how little money I could survive on and how easily I could find jobs wherever I landed. I made friends everywhere, went through a couple of long relationships and lots of short ones. But I kept finding myself coming back around to my yoga practice and even when it was at its most minimal, I kept track of that thread that was my practice, a thread strong enough to help me pull myself out of whatever darkness I found myself in.
I found that these moments of darkness were sometimes scary, sometimes soothing because of their familiarity. After enough times on my own downward spiral of self doubt, I got stronger pulling myself back up. I got even stronger the times that I realized that I needed to sometimes ask someone to help pull me out.
And what does all this have to do with yoga? Since I began practicing in 1996, I’ve gradually gone from all the flashy postures that I often proudly repeated because I felt that sense of I CAN to a more grounded sense of humbly acknowledging that despite the waxing and waning of my abilities, yoga has always brought me around to who and what I AM.
I AM that light, love, and joy that has planted its seed in everyone. I AM the peace that sometimes shines forth through my eyes and other times hides as an ember deep in my gut. I AM the witness that watches even the thoughts in my mind and the sensations in my body and realizes again and again that, while those aspect of me change, my true Self is the pure awareness that keeps calling me back to each present moment.
The trick is, I don’t always feel like that light, love, peace and joy. It is sometimes easier to just know that but not feel it. So here’s my offering to you yoga mamas: if you ever find yourself in that space of knowing that you are fine, but not feeling it, here’s a practice I invite you to try. There are two versions:
Write for 3 minutes about how you feel. Maybe you feel good, mixed, or totally horrible. Whatever you think and feel, write it down as if talking to a dear friend about it. Then burn that piece of paper or throw it in some water to break down-or just throw it away. Get it out of your hands. Next, write an affirmation that makes you feel centered, calm, and full of love or inspiration. For me that’s, “I am calm, I am strong, I am able.” Everyone has words that work for them. Write it at least 3 times. If you want, put it on the fridge, wall, or somewhere else you’re likely to see it.
Do version 1 out loud. Find a friend to talk to or if you are in the practice of praying, spill your guts through heartfelt prayer. When you’ve let it out, say your affirmation to your friend or to yourself. Choose the words that work for you, speak slowly and clearly, and take a deep breath in between each repetition.
Another practice I love clicks with a lot of other yogis while others feel it is mumbo jumbo. If you’re more liberated by singing in the shower or the car, or while you’re doing things around the house, then more power to you! I love that, too and many of us busy moms need to loosen up and belt it out from time to time. But if you’re like me and it inspires you, find a Sanskrit mantra to chant. Many of the mantras I learned at Satchidananda Ashram - Yogaville and to this day, when I chant them, they click me into a higher mindset that I learned to cultivate at the ashram. Here’s one of my favorites. It’s short and sweet:
Hari om
Pronounced HAH-REE OH-M. You can chant it slowly a few times. I learned this at the ashram and they often included it toward the beginning of a yoga class and chanted it in a specific tune (which I will share with you in another post soon:)
So Hari Om actually creates a vibration in the body starting in the chest when you pronounce the HAH syllable, then it moves up to the throat when you chant the REE part. Finally, the OM shoots the vibration up through the face and head, ending up at the top of the head with the M.
These are just some ideas to lift you out of a funk. I find them helpful, along with a lot of other techniques, depending on my mood and situation. What lifts you up and helps you remember the bigger picture of who you are?