“Consciousness is only possible through change; change is only possible through movement.”
― Aldous Huxley, The Art of Seeing
I’ve been thinking less lately about self-improvement and more about self-acceptance. It’s not that improvement isn’t necessary, but it’s a thing that mostly exists in the future. I can try to be better at something, but that improved state will never be now. Not that we should always avoid projecting into the future, but I know that I have personally been making a habit of bringing myself back to the present moment.
The Huxley quote above struck me, because I’ve heard and read so much about attaining higher conscious states through stillness (usually seated meditation), but before I can sit in a meditation with any depth, I need movement. That is what asana is for.
A slight tangent: The other day I pulled up a YouTube video of capoeira sequences. I used to play capoeira, just before I got pregnant, and back then I was in the best shape I had ever been in. Now and then I look back on that time and think, if only I could get to that state again...so with visions of training every day in my living room amidst the whirlwind of my daughter playing with her toys, I put the video on. I found out after 5 minutes how out of shape I had become.
It’s not even that the shape of my body has changed much. Whenever I tell people I feel out of shape, they scoff or roll their eyes because I’m not overweight and some of my muscle tone is still visible. But I don’t care; when I say I feel out of shape, I mean just that. I don’t look out of shape, I feel out of it, and that’s what matters to me the most.
But I accept that I have let my exercise and yoga routine slip. I am human (and taking care of another little human keeps life pretty busy). To me self-acceptance is not just being okay with how I’m out of shape, it is that plus making small moves to get back to feeling stronger and more resilient. It’s being in pigeon pose and experiencing it with curiosity and compassion towards myself even if my hips are feeling tighter than they used to; it’s wanting to get back to breathing practices and meditation, but modifying it to suit the fact that my allergies and asthma have been flaring up; it’s letting go of that drive I used to have to practice yoga to get high off of it and shift to devoting myself to yoga whether I feel energetic or exhausted.
I used to practice yoga because I got a high from it, but as the years have gone on, there have been just as many downs as ups in my yoga. This brings me back to how I started playing capoeira in the first place. Actually, I started because someone asked me to teach capoeira to kids, so I got back into it. But then I noticed I started getting a high off it the way I used to through hatha yoga.
Fast forward to today and I feel winded and my limbs feel heavy after 5 minutes of ginga. But I did notice how much more alive I felt after the movement and it made me think of how the benefits of asana lies not just in holding a posture, but in moving between postures with steadiness (sthira) and ease (sukha). Who cares that I didn’t practice more elaborate sequences or acrobatic moves. I did something small and simple for 5 minutes and I felt better even as I noticed that my body wasn’t at 100%.
It’s the little things; the very act of moving, however insignificant. Even when I hold a posture, there is still movement in the breath, with every exhale as I drop my shoulders, with every inhale as I spread my fingers. Those micromovements bring asana alive. So let’s sit quietly and try these basic movements; you can even try them lying down. Or, if you have the need to burn off some energy, incorporate them into standing poses. Accept where you are and devote yourself to slow and simple motion through your practice, however short and simple.